signs he doesn t want a relationship with you
How do you deal with the heartbreak of realizing that someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore? It can be tempting to fight back, but usually the best decision is to let things cool down and respect your ex’s decision. On the other hand, that doesn’t mean you need to give up(1).
Rhonda from Charleston, SC writes:
“After two years of dating my boyfriend, who means everything to me, I found out just the other day that he no longer wants to be with me. He says he doesn’t want a relationship because we just aren’t compatible. I thought we were. I really love him and I wanted to be with him forever. It’s very upsetting to me that he no longer wants what I do, and I don’t understand why. He says he still loves me as a friend—whatever that means—but that he just can’t date me. I don’t know what to do. Please help.”
While the phrase ‘I still love you as a friend’ spells doom for many relationships, if your ex actually means that and still wants to continue being your friend, that could indicate that the problem had to do with the type of relationship you had. When he says that he no longer wants a romantic relationship, he may literally be referring to the type of relationship he had with you, as opposed to a problem with you as a person. Sometimes people start dating who truly do love each other, but are unable to sustain a relationship because they have different goals or different or conflicting romantic preferences or needs(2).
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I recommend that you respect your ex’s wishes and agree to remain friends for the time being. If he really does love you, then there will be time for you to learn to get along again, which may provide some perspective on what went wrong. By respecting the distance that he needs, you are showing that you respect his feelings and needs. If you truly feel that you’re meant to be together though, you may still be able to rekindle those romantic feelings with time. First however you’ll need to figure out where things went wrong. One of the best ways to do that is just to ask.
Your ex may never want to date you again, and that’s something you’ll need to accept as a possibility. You don’t need to give up right away, however—see if you are able to resolve your differences by taking some time off from the relationship and returning to a completely platonic situation. This may give you both new perspective, and that may be all you need to get back into the relationship again(3). If you don’t end up dating again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some people are just better together as friends—even if they love each other deeply. It’s all a question of how you can best express that love together.
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