The Minor drama in a relationship, why do men leave good women To Avoid
The Minor drama in a relationship, why do men leave good women To Avoid, bring a man closer to you
Have you ever sat down to try and get things on track in your relationship, but when you sat down with your man and told him how you feel… Instead of him HEARING and sympathizing with you, all he did was get ANGRY in return, or refuse to talk about it? Have these discussions or arguments gotten so “out of control” that it’s caused you to break-up?
If so, then there’s something you need to do right away-
STOP!
In this post I’m going to explain how the way so many women deal with their EMOTIONS causes serious problems in their relationships… and how you can AVOID this kind of thing altogether while making sure to honor and respect your feelings.
No, I’m not going to tell you to STOP FEELING or let the man walk all over you.
But I will give you 2 great INSIGHTS and TOOLS you can use today to not only bring a man closer to you… but make yourself feel better about your situation right away.
So let’s get started.
THE MISTAKE OF BEING EMOTIONALLY OUT OF CONTROL
Why do men freak out when a woman is angry with him, or tells him how much she cares or needs him, or worries about the relationship taking a “wrong” turn? Are men just unable to “cope” with any kind of REAL FEELINGS?
It may seem that way, but here’s the reality…
By letting yourself get overly emotional and negative early on in the relationship (when you’re dating)… you’re showing the man you’re with that you’re EMOTIONALLY OUT OF CONTROL. And nothing says RUN! to a guy quicker than a woman who is already having intense negative emotional episodes before things have even gotten close or “serious.”
I know this might sound frustrating, or like men will find any excuse to get out of having a real relationship or dealing with the feelings and situations in front of them, but you’ve got to know this about men- There’s one quick and easy way to make sure that a man will NEVER consider getting closer to you and committed to a deeper relationship.
And that’s to do any of the following things that men think of as “drama”-
- Having frequent intense emotional outpourings he considers “negative” or “scary”- the likes of which he regularly AVOIDS in his own life
- Letting your feelings or emotions TAKE OVER to the point that you lose your composure and cry, scream, yell, etc.
- Have these emotional meltdowns suddenly, without warning, and with no cause HE CAN UNDERSTAND
- Accidentally communicating to a man that HE is to BLAME for the intense negative emotions you’re feeling. Or blaming or accusing him deliberately.
- Giving him the idea that the closer he gets to you, the worse your emotional episodes will be, and the harder it will be on HIM
- Constantly thinking about and analyzing what’s going on with him and asking him what’s wrong- which only makes you lose your cool more, instead of taking care of and emotionally “balancing” yourself first and coming to him with a cool head
- Quickly turning on a dime from being a sweet and loving woman who only talks about and wants love… to acting the part of a “wounded” woman who says mean, hurtful, spiteful and negative things about a man and the deepest parts of his character because of your own pain in the moment
Is it possible that you’ve had any of these things going on for you And is it possible that the man you’re with has been seeing and experiencing these kinds of things with you?
If so, let me share a couple of insights with you about WHAT DOES WORK with men, and what they’re attracted to in a woman.
Here’s the thing…
Men are attracted to women who “own” their emotions… and who aren’t so PREDICTABLE in a negative way. If you suddenly erupt in a negative way about how a man is acting, or about how your relationship is going… this is the classic and PREDICTABLE behavior of the kind of woman a man DOES NOT want to be in a relationship with.
You know the kind of woman I’m talking about.(1)
The kind of woman every man has at least met and spent time around. The kind of woman that gives other real women a bad name. The kind of woman who really does create “drama” for “drama’s” sake.
Don’t make it easy for a man to confuse you with this kind of woman. Because trust me when I tell you that men meets LOTS of women this way and are CONSTANTLY watching out for the slightest hint of this in any woman they’re dating. And if they catch a hint or a glimpse, there’s no talking about it, there’s no discussion, and there’s no explanation-
It’s GOODBYE.
Or worse…
He’ll STAY with you, but completely shut out the idea of ever having a truly committed relationship with you and just string you along with no intention of ever having more. But he’ll keep on seeing you because it’s “convenient” for HIM, and he likes the attention and the SEX.
Ouch.
Of course, when men start thinking and acting this way with a woman after they’ve shut the possibility of a real relationship from forming out of their mind… they NEVER come out and say it. It just happens, and it’s never spoken of.
Read:
Which means… the only way to deal with this kind of thing is to AVOID becoming the kind of woman who will never be “relationship material” for a man in the first place.
THE REASON YOUR FEELINGS AREN’T BEING HEARD, AND KEEP PUSHING HIM AWAY
I’m going to say something here that you might not like hearing, but it’s for your own good. It’s about what’s REALLY behind these emotional “meltdowns” and how they can screw up a potentially great relationship and push the right man away.
When most women start dating a great guy, they have a whole slew of POSITIVE FEELINGS, IDEAS and BELIEFS about where things are going and how they might work out.
Thoughts like,
-”Wow! This guy is so much nicer and more fun than anyone I’ve dated in a long time. This guy is not like the rest.”
-”This time it’s different. I’m smarter now.”
-”I won’t let myself be fooled by a jerk or a player like before.”
And often, it’s the power of these positive feelings that are the catalyst in helping you look past the fears and negative beliefs that linger from PAST bad experiences and give you the courage to start fresh and open back up again.
You TELL yourself it’s different now, and you’ve learned to not make the same mistakes. But the reality is that even when you tell yourself you’re “smarter” – you aren’t.
It’s not because you haven’t seen and learned something new. You have. But that has nothing to do why things won’t change for you in your love life.
It’s that you’re still ATTRACTING and CREATING the same wrong situations and patterns because of what’s INSIDE YOU. In other words, it’s the very things you’re NOT CONSCIOUS OF that are bringing these same hurtful situations into your life again and again.
It’s just the scenery that’s changed.
The reality is… when you still carry the same FEARS and NEGATIVE BELIEFS that helped create the patterns and relationships of the PAST… Then you can bet that until you can move past these fears and beliefs that aren’t serving you, you’ll experience more of the same IN THE FUTURE.
So here’s what happens for too many smart women…
They’re “smart”, but dumb when it comes to men and relationships. When they get into a new situation with the new guy, things are always full of hope and fun at first.
But somewhere, things suddenly stop being so easy and “perfect”. Something seems “off” or goes wrong with the new guy too, even if it’s something small. Like he doesn’t call when he says he will, or he does something that reminds you of your ex.
And WHAM!!
All the old fears and negative beliefs come rushing back. You get that familiar sick feeling in your stomach, and you feel obsessive worry or anxiety about what’s going on. You begin running the tape of negative voices in your head.
“There’s must be something wrong with me.”
“There are no good men… they’re all selfish, cheating jerks and I’ll never find one who gets me and can really love me for who I am.”(2)
“I’ll never find true love, so I should just give up and stop putting myself through so much pain.”(3)
You might have a few negative beliefs about men and relationships of your own here to add to the list. Here’s one of the most important and fascinating things I’ve learned about these voices…
Pay attention here-
When these negative voices start to set in, this is when most women STOP being the confident, positive and playful woman that attracted a great guy in the first place. They stop radiating love, beauty, and the joy of life that makes a woman so IRRESISTIBLE.
All the positive emotions and feelings and the love and goodwill disappears… and it’s suddenly and abruptly replaced by DEFENSIVENESS and negative SENSITIVITY.
This is what it’s like having ZERO control of yourself and how you let your emotions speak to the people around you. You can “change faces” in the spur of the moment, without being fully CONSCIOUS or AWARE.
And guess what?
This is 100% GRADE A MAN REPELLENT.
Men do not want to get involved or committed to women who act emotionally dependent from the start and “lose it” at the first sign of difficulty.(4) Some women see the first signs of trouble or that a man is acting “non-committal” after they’ve become invested in the situation, and they FREAK OUT inside.
When a man doesn’t share the same feelings at the same time in the same way, they become nervous and unsure in everything they do and say.
The point I’m making here is that if you allow yourself to become TOO emotional and fearful in situations with men, and dependent on their behavior for your happiness and well being, it will SCREW YOU UP… and send even the right man packing. And you’ll make things even worse when you try to TALK to your man in order to work out those negative feelings with him.
Like when you want him to tell you something that will make you feel better. That’s a nail in the coffin.
Guaranteed. But hold on a second…
Emotions are GOOD, right?
Shouldn’t we listen to them and respect what they’re telling us?
Doesn’t a man need to be there for his woman if she’s going through something?
Aren’t emotions the thing that allow us to really EXPERIENCE life in a deep, rich and meaningful way?
And isn’t it wrong and harmful to try and “control how you feel?”
Isn’t it better to just “be who you are” and not beat yourself up because you feel or think about things in a certain way?
Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say “I can’t help the way I feel”…?(5)
We all have. We even have TERMS that we use to describe when we’re overly upset and just need to “get it out”.(6) We call it “venting” or “dumping”.
Here’s the question I’m getting at…
Is it “OK” it to be upset, to get emotional, and to show EXACTLY how you feel inside with men?
The answer: Only if you’re aware of the consequences and what they mean to your relationship.
Here’s where a couple insights come in handy.
INSIGHT #1: EMOTIONS ARE CONTAGIOUS
Isn’t it frustrating when you feel angry or down and you just want a man to hear you and listen to you – but then he gets all bent out of shape just because you wanted to share?
Well, if you’ve ever had this happen to you, you’ve got something important to learn.
Emotions are CONTAGIOUS.
In other words, when you feel an emotion, you can very easily pass what you’re feeling on to the person you’re sharing it with. And the stronger you feel the emotion, the more it will override the other person’s emotional state.
If you’re feeling down and your man comes to you excited and happy with big news, you won’t be able to help but feel a shift in YOUR mood and body language too. Or how about when a man surprises you with a romantic night with candle-light and he’s open, connected and sharing himself with you. It literally takes over your mind and body.
But it can also be a very powerful NEGATIVE thing as well.
When an emotion becomes so strong that it actually “becomes” you, your behavior and your sole motivation… then you’re out of control. Emotions can actually trick you into trying to CONTROL others.
So instead of simply communicating what it is that you’re going through and what you want, you actually try and make the other person FEEL the bad things that YOU FEEL.
Bad situation.
And sure, you get your feelings off your chest, which can feel great and validating in a way. But the long-term effects aren’t so sunny.
So let me ask you…
What if your quality of life and your relationships could be BETTER than the negative emotions and fears that hi-jack your mind?
What if you made a man feel a deep sense of LOVE and TRUST with you, instead of sharing the contagious NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that come from your fears?
So your man felt POSITIVE, OPEN and RELAXED around you and felt addicted to being with you? What if you could finally BREAK OUT of your old patterns with men by simply being aware of how your emotions are affecting those closest to you, and CHOOSING to create a good experience?
CREATE INTENSE ATTRACTION BY OWNING YOUR EMOTIONS, INSTEAD OF HAVING YOUR EMOTIONS OWN YOU
I’m sure you’ve already figured out that I’m going to suggest that you learn how to “own” your emotions in situations with men. Let me talk for a moment about the reasons WHY it’s important to do this.
Remember, when it comes to ATTRACTION, all of the “logic” changes.
You have to stop thinking about what you’ve learned about being “in touch” with ALL of your emotions and realize that a man’s ATTRACTION isn’t triggered by you being EVERYTHING that you feel.
That’s a nice fairy tale, but it’s a lie.
Your friends, your parents and your girlfriends might give you “unconditional love” and understanding in this way, but men won’t start to feel love, passion and connection with you if you’re playing out ALL the things you feel with him before you’re even in a committed relationship.
So I have TWO good reasons why it’s important to own your emotions around men:
Men crave women who are fun and spontaneous.
But how are you going to be this way with a man if you’re always on edge, worried or anxious because your FEARS are running the show, and your head’s off trying to control the FUTURE?
That’s right. You aren’t going to be the fun and spontaneous woman a man really wants and NEEDS to be with.
Men aren’t ATTRACTED to women who let their emotions control them.
This is ESPECIALLY true when women act needy or overly-sensitive to anything the guy does or says. Instead, a woman who is fun, playful, and UNPREDICTABLE with the positive things she does is the kind of woman who is “relationship material” in his book.
If you’re venting your emotions as soon as you feel them, just because they are there… you’re going to have a VERY hard time succeeding with men past a few dates. Men will quickly get the message that you are “trouble”, and they’ll want a woman who brings more JOY and SIMPLICTY to their life.
Not more worry, intensity, and what men think of as “drama.”
INSIGHT #2: THE POWER OF THE MEANING YOU MAKE ABOUT THE THINGS AROUND YOU
There’s something that’s much much more powerful and important than trying to “minimize” your feelings… or change them. And that’s to get to the ROOT of where all your most difficult feelings are coming from.
In other words… The first step in learning how to “own” your strongest emotions is to realize how they’re created or “triggered”.
Something happens that “pushes a button” inside of you and BAM!… the emotion happens before you even have a chance to think about it. One of the biggest insights that I’ve had about these “triggers” is that they’re usually caused because people imagine it MEANS something negative… even when that’s not the case.
For instance, let’s say that you’ve met a great guy, went on a few amazing dates, and then he wasn’t as quick to call you and make plans as he was at the very start.
What do you usually think?
“Maybe he doesn’t like me. Maybe he has a another woman. Maybe he’s trying to avoid me. Maybe he’s withdrawing like those other guys did in the past.” In other words, we make the fact that he didn’t call back MEAN all these different things.
Women often allow their imaginations to take over and imagine the WORST possible outcomes. Then they get nervous about that outcome happening and FREAK OUT. When it comes to men, it’s important that you lose the need to make everything MEAN something… and STOP imagining the worst.
Think back to the last time a man said or did something and you asked yourself or your girlfriend, “what do you think it meant that he did/said that?” You start to wonder if the way he’s acting is a “game” of some kind… and if he has a hidden agenda he’s not going to let you in on.
If you immediately start to wonder where he is… what he’s doing… and who he’s with, you CREATE the game in your mind.(7) If a man doesn’t call you for a day… and you spend that entire day wondering why he HASN’T called you… you made a completely negative meaning out of something that isn’t necessarily negative.
But if you think every moment that passes means that he doesn’t care about you… you’re going to both FEEL MISERABLE… And… you’ll act miserable and strange and awkward when he finally does call the next day. And then what, if he was busy with something important in his own life, and there was no “bad” reason he didn’t call?
You are upsetting yourself by imagining all the BAD THINGS that could be happening. Making NEGATIVE MEANING out of situations that you have no proof of negative things going with is a guaranteed way to get NEGATIVE OUTCOMES in your life. When it comes to men, these include:
- A man not liking the “vibe” you have because you worry or think negatively, and not wanting to be around you
- Acting insecure or needy because you always have the worst of things in mind
- Showing a man you can’t be away from him, or let him have his life and space, without you going to a bad place in your mind (so he’ll either constantly have to appease you, or suffer the consequences)
If you find yourself making a lot of negative meaning out of situations- it’s time you took a good hard look at what this is really creating in your life.
Does all the worry actually help things? Or is it just your own form of CONTROL, or of trying to defend or protect yourself from things like the other bad things that have happened to you in your life?
It’s time you started letting your mind work FOR YOU, instead of AGAINST YOU. I don’t have a lot more time here, so I’ll get right to something that will help you- Here’s a simple way you can start doing yourself a favor and set yourself up for more POSITIVE and PRODUCTIVE outcomes.
These also have the great quality of actually improving your own communication and the quality of any relationship you do this in as well. Here’s all you have to do:
Step 1) Visualize your ideal outcome
Whenever you get into a situation, or approach a new conversation with a man… it’s great to stop for a second before you get too deep into things and make sure you know WHAT YOU WANT out of it. Because if even you do know what you want, it’s VERY VERY UNLIKELY that a man will figure out what that is for you… or be able to give it to you.
If you can think or feel what it is you’re wanting or looking for, and imagine that positive result taking place… you are MUCH MUCH more likely to have that exact thing come to fruition.
So imagine what the END RESULT is that you’re looking for with a man. It might be-
- ”I want him to understand what I’m saying and hear me”
- ”I want to feel connected to him”
- ”I want him to relax and open up”
- ”I want him to hold me and be affectionate”(8)
The simple act of getting clear on what you want will help you communicate your feelings in a way that will move you and a man TOWARD the outcome or experience you want. Don’t waste your time focusing on all the things you don’t want, or the things you’re frustrated about that aren’t working for you.
These are a trap that will only lead to more COUNTERPRODUCTIVE interactions between you and your man.
Step 2) Make POSITIVE MEANING out of your experiences, and what men say and do
I’ll break this one down into the simplest example possible.
I have an amazing female friend. She was in a 2 year relationship with a guy she really loved. One night her boyfriend came to her and told her that he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay in the relationship. Naturally, she was very upset by this news. But what did she do?
She didn’t go to the place of telling herself that SHE must not be good enough for him to keep loving and want to stay with. And she DIDN’T go to the place of tearing him apart and telling him how rude, insensitive, “jerky” or wrong he was.
No. The meaning she made out of what happened was very very different. She came to me a day later with an amazingly clear head and strong heart and said-
“That hurt, but it was great news to know how he really felt, and that he told me now, instead of how ever far into the future.(9) I don’t have to waste my time in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want what I want. What he told me makes it easier for me to know that this wasn’t the right relationship for me.”
I think you can see how different the meaning was that she made out of this than what lots of other women do who end up suffering for weeks(10) or months or years after over what should have been.
Sometimes when relationships work out, they end.
Starting to see the power of the meaning you give things in your life?
I’ll give you another example for if you’re a single woman, or dating and in a new relationship and a man doesn’t call you back.
If he doesn’t call you back right away, don’t start to go to all those bad places.
- “He’s a player.”
- “I said something wrong.”
- “I scared him off.”
- “Things never work out for me.”
- “Men are afraid of real women.”
Instead, imagine that he is freaked out with his own life and schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let him go), and make it mean that when he finally DOES talk to you, he’s going to be even MORE interested because it took you so long to catch up with each other.(11)
That way, when he does call, you’ll genuinely be happy and excited for his call… and you’ll have had a great time in your life in the meantime.
Here’s another…
If he tells you he’s not ready for a relationship right now because of his past, figure that he’s feeling that way because he REALLY likes you and has had to THINK about being in a relationship because his feelings are so strong. He’s scared of his deep feelings for you and doesn’t know how to deal with that yet. And that once he figures it out for himself, he’ll miss you and want you… and you don’t have to be there waiting around for him to grow up.(12)
There’s nothing wrong with you or how you are. And it’s great that you got to see this problem of his early on, but it’s his to deal with, not yours.
Let me tell you something honestly…
All of the women I know who end up in great long-term relationships with great attractive men think this way. All of them.
This is at the very essence of what makes a woman not just physically attractive and desirable, but the kind of woman a man can truly see himself with in a lasting relationship. It’s part of what makes a man think, “Wow, I never thought I’d find one, but this is just the kind of woman for me.”
Confident people seem to get more confident because things seem to work the way they envision. And negative people become more negative because it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s almost like a universal magic. The more we expect things to go well, the better they go.(13) Try it, it works.
Also, start noticing those particular things and situations that trigger your strong “negative” emotions.(14) Learn to spot the signs that it’s about to happen, and then learn how to keep yourself CENTERED.
If you can learn how to do this, the quality of ALL your relationships in your life will improve DRAMATICALLY. Especially with men.
Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.(15)
It’s also important to learn how to share open, HONEST communication with your man in a way that brings you CLOSER together… without turning him off. It’s not that men don’t like to “talk” or have a hard time listening. In fact, that’s not the case at all.
Most of the time, a man wants to talk and share JUST AS MUCH as you do, if not more. I know it’s hard to believe. So why exactly is it so hard sometimes to let im know how you’re feeling… and in return, find out exactly what’s he’s thinking and feeling too?
It’s because of a barrier all men have from a young age about sharing what they’re feeling. They’ve been taught that wearing their heart on their sleeve was WEAK and “unmanly.”
It’s no wonder why men have such difficulty opening up to women they love. They don’t want to seem weak.
Fortunately, you CAN be the woman who will connect with him on a DEEP and intimate level… if you know the secrets of tapping into all that stuff he’s been bottling up his whole life.And do it in a way that makes him feel comfortable and relaxed.
You see, most women don’t do a very good job communicating when they’re upset or hurt in a way that allows their man to HEAR them and understand them. It doesn’t have to be this way, either.
Part of the myth that most women mistakenly believe is that the longer I’m in a relationship with a man… or the harder I try… then the better our communication can and will be. As though FAMILIARITY is what makes for good communication.
The strange this is, the opposite is often true- The more you and a man get to know each other, if you don’t know all the communication traps to avoid with each other… than it’s easy to fall into even worse communication habits than 2 people who don’t know each other very well have.
The short answer to why this happens is because when 2 people know each other really well, they have lots of insights and access into the “faults” or “quirks” of their partner. And if you don’t have a solid and consistent level of connection and a healthy pattern of communication, then things can just grow worse over time.
If you’ve had a relationship with a man where as time went on, things only grew more hostile and less compassionate and supportive… then you know what I’m talking about.
Don’t keep waiting and hoping for that magic pill, or that magic moment where your connection and the way you and the man in your life talk to each other becomes inspiring, supportive, and brings more joy and love into both your lives.
Remember, good communication goes beyond just the words you use. It’s also about owning your emotions, and choosing to create a positive connection first so that having the experience you want simply flows to you.
In the meantime, best of luck with Life and Love,
Have any comments? Care to add your suggestions or own personal experiences?
Read:
- How To Show Unconditional Love To Your Spouse
- How To Be Romantic
- How To Get My Boyfriend Back, i need to get him back
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