The turn offs in a relationship That Makes Most Men Leave
The turn offs in a relationship That Makes Most Men Leave
There’s one mistake that almost all women make with men they’re interested in. The mistake is allowing yourself to become OVERLY EMOTIONAL around the person you’re dating in a negative and self-destructive way.
You know… when you kind lose your cool and know, after the fact, that the way you acted and what you said did nothing to bring you and your guy closer. Instead, it seemed to make him LESS OPEN to listening to you and MORE DISTANT and frustrated with you.
But that’s not all…
In the days after this happens, you start to see how this short-lived emotional “venting” or outpour that wasn’t really a big deal after you got things off your chest starts finding it’s way to screw up the entire good situation you have going with the man in your life.
And you start to wonder…
Is this really because of me, or is he making too big of a deal out of this and not listening and respecting my feelings?
Part of you knows you went over the edge a little bit emotionally, but another part of you knows that a man should be able to listen and deal with these kinds of things and not get scared away if you’re going to make things work together.
Now, here’s the question you’ve got to ask yourself in these kinds of situations with men… What’s going on here with how men react?
These are common, satisfying and exciting thoughts. And often times, it’s the power of these positive feelings that are the catalyst in helping women look past the FEARS and NEGATIVE FEELINGS from past situations and move into something new
Read:
- Burying The Ghosts Of Lost Love and past relationship affecting present relationship
- He Doesn’t Want A Relationship
In other words, these POSITIVE FEELINGS and BELIEFS become the driving forces to “try it again”. In this situation, lots of women tell themselves in the back of their minds(1):
“I’m smarter now.”
“This time it’s different.”
“I’m over that bad period of my life where I let jerks and immature ‘boys’ mess up my life.”
“This guy wouldn’t hurt me the way that other jerk did.”
But the reality is that lots of women who tell themselves this aren’t actually “different” or “smarter” at all. The only thing that’s changed is the scenery.
Instead, they still carry the FEARS and NEGATIVE BELIEFS that hold them back from creating new situations and experiences in their lives(2).
But then it happens…
In the new situation, with the new guy, things suddenly stop being so easy, so new and so “perfect”. And eventually something seems “off” or goes wrong here too with the new guy, even if it’s something small.
And “WHAM!”
All the old fears and negative beliefs come rushing back out of nowhere. That familiar sick feeling in the stomach is back.
The guy problems they thought they had left behind followed them here too. So they FREAK OUT. They become anxious and those voices start playing in their head again.
“There must be something wrong with me.”
“There are no good men… they’re all selfish jerks and I’ll never find one who gets me and can really love me for who I am.”
“I’ll never find true love, so I should just give up and stop putting myself through so much pain.”
I bet you’ve got a few of your own here to add to the list from that negative voice in your head.
We all do.
And you know what?
All of these are utter and total CRAP. Here’s what I’ve learned about these voices…
When these negative voices start getting louder, most women leave behind the confidence, “positivity” and optimism they had with a man that helped create the great situation in the first place. (Read: 3 Reasons Men Leave Women They Love).
And they literally become DRIVEN by fear. All the goodwill disappears and is replaced by defensiveness and negative sensitivity.
This is what it’s like having ZERO control of your emotions.
And guess what?
This is 100% “GRADE A” MAN REPELLENT.
Men do not want to get involved or committed to women who act emotionally dependent from the start and “lose it” at the first sign of difficulty.
When most women see the first signs of trouble or that a man is acting “non-committal” after becoming close and “invested” in the situation, they FREAK OUT inside.
When a man doesn’t call back or starts to withdraw, they get upset and afraid and act in fear.
When a man doesn’t share the same feelings at the same time in the same way, they become nervous and unsure in everything they do with a man(3).
The point I’m making here is that if you allow yourself to become TOO emotional and fearful in situations with men, and dependent on their behavior for your emotional state, it will screw you up.
Guaranteed.
And even worse than letting your emotions control you and your behavior is trying to TALK men through all of the emotions and fears. This is a nail in the coffin.
Think about it for a second…
Most men don’t even talk through their feelings or fears with their BEST FRIENDS. Men prefer to confront, challenge, ignore or break through fear in some kind of masculine way.
Anything but observe or share fear. It’s not part of their make-up. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the truth.
Get where I’m going with this?
But hold on a second…
Emotions are GOOD, right?
Shouldn’t we listen to them and respect what they’re telling us?
Doesn’t a man need to be there for his woman if she’s going through something?
Aren’t emotions the thing that allow us to really EXPERIENCE life in a deep, rich and meaningful way?
And isn’t it wrong and harmful to try and “control how you feel?”
Isn’t it better to just “be who you are” and not beat yourself up because you feel or think about things in a certain way?
And wouldn’t ignoring or avoiding your feelings turn you into someone you’re not?
Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say “I can’t help the way I feel”…?
We all have.
We even have TERMS that we use to describe when we’re overly upset and just need to “get it out”. We call it “venting” or “dumping”. I call it the “drama vomit”. Ha!
So here’s the question I’m getting at…
Is it “OK” it to be upset, to get emotional, and to show EXACTLY how you feel inside with men? YOU CREATE WHAT YOU SHARE, To make things simple, let’s put emotions into two categories…
There are those that you could consider “positive” emotions or those based in “joy”.
And then there are “negative” emotions. or those based in “fear”.
In other words, there are the emotions that make you “feel good” and emotions that make you
“feel bad”.
We all know that emotions aren’t “self-contained”.
Isn’t it frustrating when you feel angry or down and you just want a man to hear you and listen to you – but then they get all wrapped up and intense just because you wanted to share?
Well, if you’ve ever had this happen to you and you got frustrated or angry about it, then you’ve got something important to learn.
Emotions are CONTAGIOUS.
In other words, when you feel an emotion, you can very easily pass what you’re feeling on to the person you’re sharing it with. And the stronger you feel the emotion, the more it will “over-ride” the other person and get them on your emotional level.
Even if their level is CONSTRUCTIVE and POSITIVE and yours is DESTRUCTIVE and NEGATIVE. And when an emotion starts to become too strong, it literally TAKES OVER your mind and body.
Then you’re driven with your body language and your words to share that feeling. In some situations, this can be a very powerful POSITIVE thing for a person.
Imagine your favorite actor or singer giving a world-class performance… you can literally FEEL the emotions they’re feeling. Or how about when a man surprises you with a romantic night with candle-light and he’s open, connected and sharing himself with you.
It can be an amazing experience when they allow their emotions to take over. And you get to go there with them. But it can also be a very powerful NEGATIVE thing as well.
Have you ever been spending time with a guy and he became LESS CONNECTED to you as you were becoming MORE CONNECTED to him. It probably made you so nervous, anxious and out of control that you made yourself sick.
When an emotion becomes so strong that it actually “becomes you”, your behavior and your sole motivation… then you’re out of control.
Emotions can actually trick you into trying to CONTROL others, just to get back to where you feel comfortable. And instead of simply communicating what it is that you’re going through and what you want, you actually try and make the other person FEEL the bad things that YOU FEEL.
Ouch.
And sure, the short-term payoff for this is usually some sense of immediate relief or resolution. You get your feelings off your chest and get to release them, which can feel great at the time. But the long-term effects aren’t so sunny. FEAR AND THE UNCONSCIOUS POWER OF EMOTIONS
There’s something important I want you to think about and remember… Strong emotions create strong MEMORIES.
We tend to remember things better if we were feeling a strong emotion at the time. Especially if the memory came during or after an intense emotion.
I can remember so many situations in my life where I was too nervous and afraid to share myself completely with a woman or to “be myself”. So I kept one foot out the door and I’d never say much about what I really wanted and needed in a relationship.
It was my secret excuse and my way of staying unhappy so that I didn’t have to fully commit to creating a great life with the woman and take any responsibility for my own experience or the woman’s.
I can remember situations TEN YEARS AGO vividly where I was so nervous and uncomfortable when relationships became serious that the emotion burned the image into my mind.
When this kind of thing happens a lot (like it has with me), it starts to make a “feedback loop”. In other words, most of the strong memories I had about relationships with women were situations where I SCREWED UP and made myself feel unhappy, unheard and uncomfortable… so I had less and less comfort and confidence as the years went by that I could never feel happy in a long-term relationship.
Give me a nod here if you know what I’m talking about.
THE “EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION” THAT WILL MAKE A MAN ADDICTED TO BEING CLOSE TO YOU
I’m sure you’ve already figured out that I’m going to suggest that you learn how to “own” your emotions in situations with men. Let me talk for a moment about the reasons WHY it’s important to do this.
Remember, when it comes to ATTRACTION, all of the “logic” changes. You have to stop thinking about what you’ve learned about being “in touch” with ALL of your emotions and realize that a man’s ATTRACTION isn’t triggered by you being EVERYTHING that you feel.
That’s a nice fairy tale, but it’s a lie.
Your friends, your parents and your girlfriends might give you “unconditional love” and understanding in this way, but men won’t start to feel love, passion and connection with you if you’re playing out ALL the things you feel with him.
So I have TWO good reasons why you need to learn how to own your emotions around men:
1) If your emotions “own you” early on, you probably won’t even be able to talk to him or date in a fun and spontaneous way that men crave.
You’ll just be too FREAKED OUT to even get to the good stuff with him – and God forbid, help him see his way through all his potential hang-ups.
2) Men aren’t ATTRACTED to women who let their emotions control them all the time and drive their interactions. This is ESPECIALLY true when women act needy or overly-sensitive to anything the guy does or says. Overly needy women will never figure out how to get to that fun, playful, risky, passionate state with a man that brings him close and spells “long-term girlfriend material” in his mind.
We talked about the first reason already. Let’s talk about the second one.
Why don’t men like women who are overly-emotional?
Because men NEVER feel ATTRACTION for women that they can CONTROL. The more control a man has over you, the less ATTRACTION he feels for you. The less of a CHALLENGE you are, and the more PREDICTABLE you become, the less ATTRACTION he feels. It’s very simple.
To put it another way; if you’re the type of woman who lets her emotions TAKE OVER, then you need to learn how to “own” them. If you don’t, you’re going to have a VERY hard time succeeding with men after a date or two.
THE FIRST STEP…
I think that the first step in learning how to own your STRONG emotions is to realize how they’re created or “triggered”.
Most strong emotions are TRIGGERED. Something happens that “pushes a button” inside of you and BAM!… the emotion happens before you even have a chance to think about it(4).
But the fact is that these “triggers” have a structure to them. There are all kinds of little things that happen during that “trigger”.
One of the biggest insights that I’ve had about these “triggers” is that they’re usually caused by making something that happens MEAN something negative. In other words, it’s not the actual situation itself that “pulls the trigger” or “pushes the button”… it’s what you think it MEANS.
For instance, let’s say that you’ve met a great guy, went on a few amazing dates, and then he wasn’t as quick to call you and make plans as he was at the very start.
You wait a day or two, and he doesn’t even call.
What do you usually think?
“Maybe he doesn’t like me. Maybe he has a another woman. Maybe he’s trying to avoid me. Maybe he’s withdrawing like those other guys did in the past.” In other words, we make the fact that he didn’t call back MEAN all these different things.
Another HUGE insight I’ve had in this area is that women allow their imaginations to take over and imagine the WORST possible outcomes. Then they get nervous about that outcome happening and FREAK OUT.
The point is that most of us (men and women) use our minds to imagine the WORST possible outcomes for dating and relationship situations… and it pushes all the wrong buttons, and gets us all nervous and upset… which, of course, makes us screw everything up.
When it comes to men, it’s important that you lose the need to make everything MEAN something… and STOP imagining the worst. Think about those situations when a man doesn’t call you back… or plays hard to get.
Yeah, thinking that someone is playing games sucks, but the belief that there’s a “game” going on is exactly the kind of negative meaning I’m talking about(5).
If you immediately start to wonder where he is… what he’s doing… and who he’s with, you create the game in your mind. Then you make up pictures in your mind of him out with other women, doing fun things without you, etc. and it’s really upsetting(6).
Bad idea.
This is the kind of thing that makes us do all KINDS of stupid things that scare the other person away… like calling 100 times a day, asking where he was and what he was doing, etc.
Instead, start doing yourself a favor and:
1) Visualize your ideal outcome.
2) Make POSITIVE meaning out of the experience for yourself.
If he doesn’t call you back right away, imagine that he is freaked out with his own life and schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let him go), and make it mean that when he finally DOES talk to you, he’s going to be even MORE interested because it took you so long to catch up with each other.
If he tells you he’s not ready for a relationship right now because of his past, realize that he’s first of all feeling that way because he REALLY likes you and has had to think about being in a relationship because his feelings are so strong.
Read:
He’s scared of his deep feelings for you and doesn’t know how to deal with that yet. And that once he figures it out for himself, he’ll miss you and want you… and you don’t have to be there waiting around for him to grow up.
There’s nothing wrong with you or how you are. And it’s great that you got to see this problem of his early on, and that it’s his to deal with.
Does this stuff sound strange?
Well, I’ll tell you something… All of the women I know who end up in great long-term relationships, with great attractive men think this way.
This is their mindset.
Have you ever noticed that confident people seem to get more confident. That optimistic people tend to get more optimistic. That people who believe in luck seem to get more and more lucky. And that people who are negative seem to become more and more negative.
It’s almost like a universal magic. The more we expect things to go well, the better they go. Try it, it works. Also, start noticing those particular things and situations that trigger your strong “negative” emotions.
Learn to spot the signs that it’s about to happen, and then learn how to keep yourself centered.
If you can learn how to do this, the quality of ALL your relationships in your life will improve DRAMATICALLY. Especially with men.
Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.
It’s also important to learn how to improve your self-image, overcome FEAR, maintain your emotional and physical attractiveness, and communicate using your “truest” indicator of desirability to a man – your body language…
Then you can learn how to learn, grow and stay connected with a man in each and every situation that comes up.
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